Al-Meridian University announced the appointment of Professor Bjørn Takahashi as Dean of the Faculty of Social Sciences Monday, despite the fact that Takahashi speaks none of the four languages used by any member of the faculty.

University leadership described the decision as “transformative.”

“For years, the faculty suffered from arguments, grievances, difficult meetings, and what people kept calling ‘communication problems,’” said Provost Nadine El-Khoury-Svensson. “We finally realized the common denominator was communication.”

Takahashi, who speaks Norwegian, Japanese, and what his CV describes as “basic conference French,” will supervise 63 academics who communicate primarily in Arabic, English, Urdu, and Spanish.

Within 48 hours of his appointment, the university reported a 94% decline in interpersonal conflict.

“It’s remarkable,” said Associate Professor Karim Haddad. “I explained for twenty minutes that my promotion file had been mishandled. He smiled warmly, said ‘excellent,’ and gave me a biscuit. I left feeling strangely heard.”

Faculty meetings have also become considerably shorter.

Previously contentious discussions over workload, curriculum, hiring, and research funding are now resolved through what the university calls the Strategic Non-Linguistic Consensus Model, under which Takahashi listens attentively, nods at irregular intervals, and concludes every intervention by saying, “Yes, very important.”

“He never interrupts,” said Professor Lucía Fernández. “He also never understands. It is an extraordinary improvement on the previous dean, who did both.”

The administration has been particularly pleased by the reduction in formal complaints.

“Faculty used to submit pages of objections,” said HR Director Faisal van Dijk. “Now they realize the dean cannot read them, and the dean realizes he cannot answer them. This has created a culture of mutual respect.”

Takahashi’s first major initiative, Listening Without Comprehension: A Roadmap to Collegiality 2030, has already been hailed as a model for other faculties.

University leaders are now reportedly considering extending the principle by appointing a chief financial officer who cannot count and a registrar unfamiliar with the concept of dates.